What feelings come up when you hear the word “home” ?
Some of us feel warm and yearn to be at home. Others may feel heavy and want to resist. We all have different associations and attachments when we think about our homes.
If I am being honest, home has always been the hardest place for me. I love my family and they are good people. However, being at home with family has memories of chaos, feeling unseen and having constant misunderstandings… with everything swept under the rug. In my story, I have immigrant parents — and like most asian immigrant households, we have a difficult time communicating and truly connecting emotionally to one another. There’s a tendency where we don’t know how to appropriately express our feelings, consider them valid and come to have a dialogue. Plus, there are not only generational gaps, but I have a language boundary specifically with my Dad too. With some more context, my parents worked all the time and I only saw them at night, which was like this since elementary up to high school. My aunt took care of me for the most part and then half way into high school my friends became my family and I always went over to their homes. I never really felt close to my family or felt like they knew me. To be honest, my family not being believers made it a harder obstacle for me to connect with them because it felt like the biggest part of me couldn’t be shared or accepted by them (I’ve had to learn + still learning). Since 4th grade, I actually hurt my parents by choosing my church family over them. Then with college that came along, I left my home and those next 4 years was when I grew more into who I am today. I finally had the freedom to untangle certain unhelpful, old habits I innately learned from my family, have a lot of self discovery and do inner work to be someone I wanted to be.
Here is a quick summarized reflection I had on my first day of coming home from college:
Journal Entry 8.22.2020 (Saturday)
I cried so much last night (being thankful for my church family and journey being in oc for the last 4 years), non-stop cried as I drove to Valencia and continued to be overwhelmed with tears in my room as I read “thank you” and “good-bye” letters given to me.
My heart hurt. I couldn’t stop bursting into tears and making an ugly face with a deep frown (haha). I felt so many emotions.
Just some things I want to remember:
- Growing pains are real| Change is hard. Change is good. If I want to grow, I need to move on from certain things. If I want to grow, I can’t stay comfortable. I need to give up my old life for a new one. I can’t afford shrinking or staying in things I have “outgrown” in my life.
- Be thankful for REST | It’s insane how much has happened in my past 4 years of college & serving for 2 years at my church as an intern/staff. That was a good run. God is amazing. I was in tears as I laid on my bed with the feeling of “my good and faithful servant” washing over me. Rest is a gift.
- “FAMILY” can be complicated & that’s okay| I realized… All my life growing up (basically 22 years), other people outside my family have been MORE like family to me. So part of coming back home was hard because it almost felt like I had to say good bye to others that were actually like family to me. I realized → 1) I am SO thankful for so many people outside my family who became like family to me 2) I am a little nervous to move back home to my family because I don’t feel close to them *3) But at the same time feel this sense of peace and conviction that “it’s time for me to be with the family God has placed me in”. Learning to focus on family!
- Thank you leaders out there!| Real quick! Please go encourage a leader or someone you look up to in your life! A sincere “thank you” or act of kindness can go a long way in giving them strength and uplifting them. I am so thankful for my time of being a leader at my church, for those who led with me and for people who continued to pray and encourage us. Brings me to tears when I think about how much leaders invest their time, effort and hearts into their ministries. Thank you leaders!
As I am back at home with my family, I hope to learn how to be family with my own family.
“For if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” 1 Timothy 3:5
Wow, I am home! Thanks for reading. Not to sure how post this one will come across to you, but hope this one speaks to those who moved back home after college, may have a hard time with family or going through transitions. This is just a glimpse of my personal August life update: I came back home.
Looking forward to what’s next.
