How “over reflecting” can be counterproductive
Right before I fall sleep, I would lay my head on my pillow and reflect on my day. I did this since I was really little. I would play my day like a movie in my head — and I would start imagining scenarios of: I “should’ve” “would’ve” “could’ve” done instead or done better in those certain situations. (Where did I learn to do this?)
Honestly, I grew up being so self-conscious and was a major people pleaser when I was younger (it’s my inner weakness!!). If I think about it, it’s fair to say that part of being self-conscious and people pleasing actually comes from a good place. It’s thinking about the “other” more and it’s very considerate, but it overly concerns the “other” that it dismisses the “self”. Continuing to live this way would be a life driven from insecurity, guilt and fear. It wouldn’t truly be living.
It’s so easy to reflect and get caught in the “should’ve” “would’ve” and “could’ves” and really hate yourself for it. You might start believing that you are dumb and blame yourself for certain things that aren’t your fault and even out of your control. I’ve had to be self aware and kindly rewire my brain to think this way:
- There is so much grace | Give yourself a break — you are human. This means you’re not perfect and you’re going to make mistakes. That 15 old self you, that first time trying or experiencing___(fill in the blank) you, that first time having a relationship with ___(fill in the blank) you, that unaware you, even that hour ago you… all deserves grace. You’re learning!
- You didn’t know | You are only able to say you “should’ve” done this or that only AFTER the fact it happened. The reality is, you didn’t know. And that’s okay. (Because if you KNEW, then you would’ve done it).
- There is no time machine | There is no point dwelling in the past and beating yourself up for what you “should’ve” done instead. It’s not like you can go back in time. Reflect, then move on! There’s LITERALLY. NO. WAY. of going back in time. NOW you know, so you can do better the next time.
- There’s no defining moment | Whatever happened, doesn’t define who you are. You are not your mistakes. (By the way: stop obsessing over failure!)
- No amount of “feeling bad” can change the past | You can’t change the past, but you can be present. *But to do so, maybe you need to stop thinking about the other person for a second, and start forgiving yourself.
- What’s meant to happen won’t pass you by |A lot of times, we feel like we should’ve done something because it would have prevented a consequence or made an ideal situation happen. However, we can relax. What happened, happened. (Even if you were perfect, it still could have happened). And we can trust that what’s “meant to happen” will happen regardless.
Disclaimer: I’m not speaking to those with traumatic experiences that need walk through and counseling. These are more so mentalities to better look at your situation if I were to tell you as a friend + could possibly try practicing.
Concluding thoughts:
It’s good to reflect and work on self-improvement. However, it was insightful and helpful when someone once told me that reflecting can often be my very own pitfall at times. I find it to be true.
I admit, I am in my head a lot. I value reflection, growth and improvement. But here’s what I forget to do often (that’s still part of growth):
Reminder to self: Be present & make sure to look outside.
Don’t get me wrong, talking about our past and thinking through our problems are needed and helpful. But not ALL the time. Sometimes a part of healing is also just living.
Again, be present & make sure to look outside sometimes ❤️.
